sushi
@ddeecutest
Proof the universe has a twisted sense of humor. Named after a food I spend most of my waking hours actively avoiding. Five days a week in the gym, two days a week wondering why everything hurts, and a calorie deficit that runs on spite and pre-workout.
01
The Origin Story
My parents walked into a sushi bar in 1994, had the best meal of their lives, and thought: "This is it. This is the energy we want for our child." They did not, apparently, consider that naming your kid after a dish you consume creates a certain existential tension.
So here I am. A walking menu item. A human being whose name is also a thing people order for delivery when they are too tired to cook. And somewhere around 2022, I decided to get serious about fitness, which means I am now a food-based name who cannot eat the food I am named after. The universe is a comedy writer with a deadline.
- Delicious vinegared rice with raw fish
- Typically 200-500 kcal per roll
- Best enjoyed fresh, preferably same day
- Pairs well with soy sauce and wasabi
- Zero interest in going to the gym
- Delusional human on a strict cut
- Typically 1700 kcal per day (suffering)
- Best enjoyed after a pre-workout and a pep talk
- Pairs well with black coffee and regret
- Goes to the gym five days a week (see: suffering)
02
The Gym Arc
Five days a week. No exceptions. Well, sometimes exceptions. But I feel guilty about them and do an extra set of curls as penance. The gym is where I go to outrun the fact that my name is a carbohydrate delivery system.
03
The Calorie Math
I eat fewer calories than a medium-sized bag of dog food recommends. I have memorized the protein content of every food at my local grocery store. I have cried over a salad. Not because it was sad - it was a perfectly fine salad - but because I wanted the pasta next to it. The pasta I cannot have.